First and foremost, abusers of any kind don't accept that they are abusive. Even if they admit to what they do (rare), they still look to blame someone else or justify what they did. "Yes, I did _______, but let's face it, if you had not of_____________, it wouldn't have happened." This is a typical scenario and one of the most damaging because there is a real chance that the victim will actually start to believe what they are hearing. It works the same way as educating your children. Repetition creates belief.

They Won't Stop on Their Own

Some abusers do eventually stop, but the only cases where I saw this to be true were the cases when the victims took extreme measures and fought back on unprecedented levels, doing things like duct-taping their abusers to the bed when sleeping and then pummeling them with some kind of bat. (Yes, that really happened.) And while those of us who have been involved in domestic battery situations are cheering those victims on for taking back some control over their lives, is this really anything to ever look forward to?

They are Delusional

Abusers can stand in a courtroom and say the whole incident never happened, or modify the details in their own version, despite the x-rays, despite the photos. They do this with family and loved ones too, and are often believed. Why? Because they don't demonstrate any of the signs of being a liar. Their facial expressions are consistent with someone who is telling the truth because they really do believe what they are saying. To them, this is true. Even if they do admit what they did, the trith in their minds is that the victim did something to warrant it.

Chemical Dependency is a Thing

Abusive behaviors and chemical dependency often go hand in hand. There is some underlying issue that causes these expressions of rage, and that issue is often dealt with through self-medication. Naturally, this only adds to the delusions and inner rage, so the worse the dependency issue gets, the worse the abuse gets.

It Will Always be Your Fault

Or that's what they would have you believe. No, your behavior isn't ever going to appease them. As soon as you start doing what they want, they will find something else wrong about you. There is nothing wrong with you to begin with, so there is nothing you can change that will stop this. This is about complete and total control, not about who you are. 

None of this has anything to do with you personally. It's about the abuser. If you want to join in supporting a local woman who lived through an extreme version of this issue, come to the Benefit for Melanie Greer or talk to someone at a domestic battery shelter.


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