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There are a hundred ways to say it and I'm sure I have said it at least 30 different ways on here already. Sometimes you just have to give up before you can move forward.

I started the autumn season out with great plans to be ahead of the game. I needed to prepare the house and the vehicle for winter. Not the use of the term "prepare" rather than "repair". For quite a while now I've been just barely getting by in some areas and largely responded rather than prepared. That means I fixed the truck when it had issues and I dealt with other things in a similar manner. It wasn't for lack of effort, but lack of money. I don't have more money; I'm just using it differently. To that end I was able to get a couple new tires and brakes for winter. I also planned my winterization of the house a bit better after last year's "replace the water pump mid-winter" fiasco. I felt like I was doing it right. Then I turned the furnace on.

Nothing happened. The pilot light stayed lit, but that was it and I had no intention of Hunter and I huddling around the pilot light all winter, but at that point, I didn't know a whole lot about furnaces other than a few basic elements that I address in another post. For now, suffice it to say that the furnace was not safe to use and I find this out  a few days before Hunter goes into surgery and before the a/c is even out of the window.

Overwhelmed? Just a tad. Then I got a little help from Hunter's dad.

Yep, you heard it right, but don't get too excited just now.

I don't care what kind of surgery your kid has, be there. Hunter's dad made the choice not to be there, citing all kinds of excuses, blaming work, blaming me, blah blah blah. It was this that finally pushed me over the edge, but I'm not one to lose control.

See, I knew I had been doing what I was supposed to do. I've been marketing for better paying work, and putting my money into the house and truck. I had everything planned for Hunter's recovery time and I wasn't making excuses for anything. I was devastated by the complete lack of support I got when it came to the commencement that I chose to skip, Hunter needing medical attention and so forth, but I can't control everyone round me and sometimes it feels like Hunter and I against the world.

Fuck it. So be it. That's exactly what I said when I threw my hands up in the air. I can only do what I can do, regardless of anyone else, right? Hunter's dad reminded me of this and reminded me through his actions that though there are certainly plenty of ways to make excuses, I hadn't been doing that and I had no plans to in the future.

So I started shopping for options. I have two wood burners here, but I'm not really stocked on wood and one of the wood burners already caught the house on fire, so pass on that option. I price checked furnaces, fought the urge to throw up, and checked oon a local sales board.

My sister's friend once asked me "How do you always fall in shit and come up smelling like roses?". I responded that I don't let conventional things hold me back, recognizing that sometimes you are better off to think outside the box. Sometiems, when you do that during stressful times, you find that you end up with better options than the ones you were trying to fix in the first place. That's what happened here.

I found two electric fireplaces that are perfect for our house. For one thing, the woman I bought them off of had used them to hear a house a bit smaller than ours. For another thing...I had always secretly wanted one of these but didn't want to waste the money on something I didn't need. They are portable and they plug into a 110 outlet, so I didn't have to move a gas line or run another 220 line. Perfection.

Cost? Well I worried about that too. I got the heaters themselves for under $200 and the woman said her electric bill was around $100 a month using these. I hope that'a the way it works out for us too, but I don't really want to go on about the heaters.

What I do want to say is that the minute I quit worrying about what everyone else was doing, I felt a sense of calm that let me do what I had to do. Sure, it hurts to have limited emotional support, but it isn't the end of the world unless I let it be. That calm was immediate. I badly needed it after weeks of being tied in knots.

Sometimes you just have to say "I'm done" and walk away. Anything else is just letting other people have control over your emotions and if you think it sucks that they didn't care to begin with, don't imagine for a minute that they wouldn't gloat over the power you give them when you let them control your emotions.

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