Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I thought it would be a good idea to touch on the question that is most commonly asked about abused women. Why do women stay with men who abuse them? First off, you need to know that abuse doesn't start with a physical altercation. In fact, the physical end of the things is really just a sign of progression of abuse rather than the abuse itself, and that's important to know when you try to understand why a woman would stay with a man who abuses her.

In every relationship, the individuals set the stage for the perceptions of the other individual, no matter what kind of a relationship it is. that's because the perception the other person has of you dictates how they will treat you. Hence, we all set the stage for this perception whether we realize it or not. In the case of an abuser, charisma and charm are the tools of the trade, so much so that the person who is being abused or being prepped for abuse often feels as if they are luck y to get even a little bit of attention from the abuser, and by default, that they really are not worthy of such attention.

There are a few common tools that are used to set the stage. Jealousy and the cultivation of jealousy are among some of the most common. For instance,. the abuser will often indicate how badly their ex wants them back (though she has probably long ago dismissed him from her mind) so that the new victim has a felling of being "special" but will also show signs of jealousy that stroke his ego. In the meantime, he is slowly grooming her to change her thought process so that she understands that while he could have anyone, she just needs a few "tweeks" to be worthy of anyone, most especially him. They regularly use a method known as a compliment sadnwioch, something people use during the intitla stages of dating, taken to the extreme.

It works like this: A compliment is offered, followed by a complain and another compliment, or a backhanded compliment is used, which is the same as a compliment sandwich, without the follow up compliment. An example is below.

Compliment sandwich: "Sarah, that's a nice dress. It's really too bad you don't have the cleavage to carry it off, but that color looks good on you."

Backhanded compliment: "Sarah, that would be such a nice dress if you just had a bit more cleavage to carry it off."

When this kind of thing is done continuously, the woman starts to question her every feature until soon enough, she is actually grateful that he even takes the time to talk to her at all. Being hit by him is almost a relief because there is some sort of climax to the event and generally, he is very charismatic and sweet talking afterwards, sometimes providing the only gentle times she knows with him, all the while convincing her that she made some hideous mistake that could oonluy be met by violence.

In short, she stays because she feels unworthy and wonders who else would possibly want her, having been convinced that she could not possibly manage to make it on her own, much less find someone better.


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