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The Universe has been reaching out to me on the topic of judging others. Usually I feel like when the powers that be reach out to me on a topic, I better pay attention and maybe make a decision based on what I learned. I have no idea what decision I'm supposed to be making, but I'm trying to pay attention.

Recently I have felt the weight of other people's judgements on me. I have explained myself so many times that I don't even want to write it on here, but my goal has always been to use my experience to help others. So, let's get a few things out of the way in the name of promoting understanding. Buckle down because it's going to be a long post and we're going to start it with a bit of background and some of the questions I keep getting asked.

By the time I turned 18 I had gone to 17 schools. I had lived with every grandparent I had (some of the more than once), lived with one uncle, and was signed off to another uncle. I had been locked up in 5 places (one of them twice), been the ward of two states, and lived in one foster home. You could say I lacked roots. This is why money has never been my goal, but making sure my son knew unconditional love and effort in his name has been. Note: It was the people who had the least money who helped me the most.

Let's get on to the questions from people who either a)worry about me or b)have nothing better to do than judge my life.

"Aren't you ever going to settle down with a man?":  First and foremost, my issue is safety. If through his normal course of living, a man could make me feel utterly safe at night...from him and other things, I would treat him like a god. While I don't tremble in fear every night, myself and most other people who experienced sexual abuse as a child and adult woke up to abuse. But in my world safety also means they don't try to tear down who I am on an emotional or mental level either. Until the day I meet a man who can provide the personality to prompt this feeling in me, no, I won't be "settling down with a man". But stop worrying. Solitude and I became great friends in childhood when it was forced on me.

"She's worked in so many different areas, do you think she is actually going to get a job as a teacher now that she is applying for her license?" Every job I have had, I had for a reason. I worked as a plumber for years. Starting out, I got into the field to learn common sense. I have no problem with books and tests, but I was smart enough to see that I needed to be educated in this area. And once I was, I was fascinated by it. I had a remodeling business later, because there were no other jobs and I had to take care of my son. When I started college I also opened a daycare so I could raise my son instead of someone else doing it. From that time I have worked in various areas-- most of them having to do with children because that's the area I love and I had to have a job while I went to school. I've been writing for years now because I loved writing and much of the research I did for school could be applied to my work.

I'm done with my BA now and I fully intend to get a job teaching, provided I can somehow outshine the competition. But, if you look at all my siblings, it won't take you long to realize that a "normal" job just doesn't seem "normal" for any of us. So no, I won't only teach. I have some educational products in mind that I would like to develop. Hopefully, that and the teaching will occupy my ever-busy mind, along with writing what I want to instead of what I have to.


There also seems to be some confusion as to whether I just went to school for the student loans, to which I say "Are you fucking kidding me?" because had I not been in school, you can bet I would have had some lucrative business on the side. You see, I can't do just one thing. But, I do love to learn and I do appreciate the student loans that helped me be able to do that. Also, in the midst of your wondering, you somehow forgot about all the scholarships I earned based on effort rather than financial need.

"Why doesn't she set her sights higher?" in reference to my house and general lack of devotion to money. Look, I've made fantastic money in the past. And, like everyone I know who has ever come from poverty and ended up making a decent bit of money, I found myself trying to judge others on why they didn't set their sites higher. That mindset didn't last long because by nature I really am not a judgemental bitch, but it was there for a moment. I would rather enjoy my son while he is young enough to think I am cool to hang out with than make a bunch of money that might turn me into a judgemental bitch again.

And my house? It's not the American dream...or is it? I can pay it off this year and go from there, which was also the goal. My American dream is to find a teaching position, pay off the house, and start taking care of some old obligations and saving for ...maybe a new house? But I don't want anything fancy and I am pretty much to the point at which I tell the next person who tries to guide me exactly where they can put their opinion. If I want it, I'll ask for it.

In short, if you haven't seen the options I had, don't judge the choices I made. I came from an environment almost completely devoid of love, but overflowing with hate, violence, starvation, and abuse so bizarre that when my uncle asked me about it I informed him that if I told him the details, I could never look him in the face again. By all rights, I should be that woman who is shooting up in the bathroom and having social services called on her once a week. But I'm not. I'm not a perfect parent, but I don't know very many parents who have the relationship with their kids that I have with my son right now. Set my sights higher? As far as I'm concerned, when I look at my son I couldn't have set them any higher. I don't hold the same values as you, so how about you just say "congrats" on the degree and the house and assume I'm going to live my life with standards you don't understand...and I'll do the same for you.



1 comments:

  1. yikes.... sorry to hear people are being such naysayers at you.

    and congrats.... both on the degree and house, but moreso for rising above the level of mess that it sounds like you could easily justify living given the hand you were working with..

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