School has never been hard for me. The hardest thing for me to with school is to take time out of the rest of my work to do school work.

In the past few months I have really felt the pinch of that. But, I got everything done and still got the bills paid, so I was all set for the momentum to keep on keeping on. I was ready to start demonstration teaching this week. Too bad no one else was.

My field placement person dropped the ball completely and left things in my hands, which were pretty much tied, which is why we have field placement staff to begin with. You see, I am not supposed to contact the school until I actually get placed, which I thought I was.

And the clock is ticking.

My cohort starts next week and so far only half of my teaching session has been placed...kind of. I have no idea when I start. What this means for me is that my DT scholarship is on hold until they have everything in order and all the tasks I am supposed to be working on right now are on hold.

And my blood pressure is soaring. It was high before this. I'm falling asleep around 2 and getting up around 5:30-6:00. Focus? There is none. The day is a constant stream of back and forth email with various members of my school.

They apologized. A lot.

Before this there were 16 hour days of work and school work and trying to remind my son what I look and sound like in between. That was to prepare and have everything in a neat and tidy package.

And in between this I finally took 2 days off, one of which was my birthday. Over 200 of my Facebook friends told me happy birthday, and I appreciate that more than they know because my only living parent somehow managed to completely forget to even call. Thanks.

The best part though was the fact that my ex-boyfriend called on my birthday. We don't talk very often so I thought it was kind of him to call. I came to the phone feeling appreciative and walked away wanting to hit something. He called to bitch at me...because he called. I had not called him for weeks or months or what the hell ever. So I was catching hell because to talk to me, he had to call me. On my birthday thank you very much.

And when my son caught wind of this, he prompted his friends to begin singing "Happy Birthday" while I was on the phone. Never say that child does not go out of his way to make his mom feel loved. If you think I was angry about the whole thing, you haven't been face to face with the loyalty that is Hunter.

And in the end, it was deemed my fault because if I had been more attentive, my birthday would have been remembered and that phone call would have been completely different. Yeah, cause the date changes every year ya know.

Try this on for size: I am not invisible. I matter. And when you consider that I haven't had a cake or party in years (I am not the person to throw my own party or make a big deal of it), I would say it's pretty safe to say that I am not even selfish.

This is par for the course for my life. Can you see why I don't date? When I care for someone I have a level of loyalty that is unsurpassed. But, I need a reason to be loyal and right now, the only person I feel loyal to is my son. I am wading through this anxiety that is my education and I am trying to keep the bills paid and put a smile on my son's face.

And I am livid. I'm not going to walk on egg shells or try to figure out what anyone really wants from me. If I give and give, the only thing that is going to happen is that someone is going to take and take. I am tapped out. There is Hunter, work, and school. If you don't have anything positive to bring to my life, then feel free to step out of it.


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