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This weekend was supposed to be a simple matter of taking Hunter to his dad and going to a graduation party. What it ended up being was me mentally flailing around to get myself back in check. This is a lengthy and emotional post. If you aren't prepared for that, just click away now. You can come back later for one my more light-hearted posts. This just isn't one of them.

See, I pride myself on maintaining some level of control over my emotions. And when that control threatens to escape me, I have no idea what to do. This weekend I was in a situation where I was asked to recall specific events that transpired on one particularly horrific evening. In fact, it was the one evening in my life when I actually considered murder. Let me just say that while it's good to talk about things, you have to be prepared for the fact that you might not only re-experience the emotions of that day, but also come face to face with some harsh realizations about your present situation. That's what happened to me and it was like a brutal mental slap.

I realized that never in my life have I felt safe. I'm not talking about being wary of people. I'm talking about being abused from infancy and being told in some way that it's your fault so often that you begin to assume that on some level, it has to be. Granted, there is no logic to the idea that a baby should be starved or sexually abused...and it just goes on and on. But hear some form of that statement long enough and logic begins to fade into the background.

But abusers and those who are supposed to protect children and fail will rarely ever admit they had any part in any wrong doing. It is much easier to believe their own lies and move on to the next potential victim.

I decided to stop being a victim a long time ago. In fact, even when I was getting my ass kicked because some guy might have looked at me too long, I didn't curl in the corner and take it. I fought back.And I started thinking there was never going to be a man I could feel safe with, so I was on my own.

I'm still on my own and only in the past few days did I come to realize that I have never felt safe in my life and that it's the one thing I seek out. I cried for a few days. I stepped out of my normalcy knowing that if I didn't, I would only cry more. I didn't just relive that night over and over. I relived every feeling of worthlessness, distrust, fear, and general bottom of the barrel kind of feelings.

And...in my own way, I looked out through a window of fear to see the world I had created around me. What I found was that there are some fantastic people in my life who want nothing more from me than my company. And there are also those that only endure my company to serve some need they have that I can meet in that moment. And I make excuses for the later ones on a regular basis, subjecting myself to more of the "I'm not good enough" mentality.

This is about as raw as it gets. And there are those who are sometimes amazed at how much personal information I might share on here. I share it because I can't hide it from myself and being human is nothing to be ashamed of. But more than that, I share it because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me; I'm still just Kat. And most of all, I share it because of the emails I get from readers thanking me for letting them no that they aren't alone...not at all.

1 comments:

  1. I share your feelings about never feeling 'safe', although for different reasons. Some things never leave you completely, but they don't have to control every part of your life. You've obviously done well with working through a lot of it. Keep pushing ... don't let the bastards win.

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