Is is harder to raise a child by yourself if they aren't the same gender? Am I going to completely screw up my kid because I don't have a penis? Doubtful, because I am a tomboy and I like mud, things with motors, and the smell of gunpowder. Why is it then that I seem to get along well with my male friends, but am horrible about relationships and (lately) am having issues getting along with my son.
The thing is, with my friends there is no pressure at all, except when I'm working on my house and they want to think I can't possibly know what I'm doing. By the way, heads up guys. If I wasn't kind, I would have told you that my pipe cutters aren't for pruning flowers. And I only insisted that you not use glue on my quick connect coupling because I didn't want to have to go buy another one. Otherwise I would have spared you having to deal with the fact that I actually do know what I'm doing.
When it comes to relationships, I always feel like I'm just waiting for the moment when they walk out the door. There was even a trend when I dated guys who had been hurt and I seemed to end up being their counselor. After we broke up, they went on to marry someone else, then came back later, divorced and telling me they had screwed up when we didn't work out. No shit.
When it comes to Hunter...for the love of God, he argues just like me. And I hate arguing, but I'm reeeeally good at it. (Should have been a lawyer kinda good) He was questioning everything I said. He would ask me a question and then argue about the validity of my answer. If it was about something we were doing, sometimes I would let him do it his way just so he could see what I was talking about.
But then he went to his dad's and ended up spending the days with is grandmother. When he came home, he was a different kid. He was agreeable and he expressed how happy he was that his grandmother expressed obvious gratitude for his company. In my mind, 2 things resulted. One: Did Hunter think I didn't appreciate him? Maybe I needed to be more proactive about that. Two: While he was being completely agreeable, I was still stuck at the start line waiting for an argument to ensue.
Last night it came to a head. He got extremely mouthy and I called him out. Then he told me that since he got home he had tried to be agreeable, and felt that I hadn't. He was right. And what really ranked me was when he said (I kid you not, this comes from the mouth of an 11 year old) "Mom, you need to be more responsible for your thoughts and emotions. You're not paying attention to what's really going on because you're thinking too much about other things instead of what's happening right at this moment. You need to be more responsible about that."
He couldn't be more right. When I get lost expecting the worst, I actually make it happen. And here is my fatal flaw. To put this in a situation that you can understand, consider jealousy. I'm not really a jealous person and I'm not a gal who always accuses a guy of cheating, but it's a simple concept to follow. If that was my concern, I could see me worrying about it so much and bringing it up so often, to the point when I may even single out women the guy was going to cheat with...and eventually he would. Not because he's an ass, but because I actually made him think about it. Again, this isn't something I would actually worry about, but you follow where I'm going.
The point is that I can see where I have trouble getting along in close male/female relationships. While I'm busy worrying, they're trying to enjoy the moment, which I ruin with my worrying. I've talked about the waste of worry before, but this truly is the hardest thing for me to conquer. Recently I was approached by a man. He's attractive, self-employed and has custody of his daughter. He wants to date. I mentally stood up on the brakes. He asked "aren't you looking to fall in love?" No, apparently I'm not because like any other fall, it's not actually the fall that's scary; it's the abrupt stop at the bottom.
When I can live in the moment and embrace what's happening right at that very minute rather than worrying about what might happen, I'll be able to get along with any boy in any situation.