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As I laid down to sleep tonight and ended up crying instead, I felt an arm slip around my shoulder. As I thought of my friend in her hospital bed, I replayed conversations in my mind that she can't remember right now and may never be able to again. Just as she can't hear those sounds of the past, I almost didn't hear my son when he whispered "SSShhhh...she'll be alright" as he brushed the hair from my face.

I hugged him and said the only thing I could.

"She's my friend".

"Yes" he agreed with the voice of a 10 year old who is responding in the adult manner that we use when we speak without really knowing what to say.
 
We sat quietly, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"I don't like God anymore" my young son sad with all the pain and conviction that he had in him.

I completely understood what he meant and it scared the life out of me. I've been angry with God. I've been so angry that God took on a whole new meaning to me, one that was scary and cold instead of warm and welcoming.

Nothing in me wants Hunter to feel like that.

I'm scared for my friend and I just wanted to curl up and cry like a child, but this was a time to be the adult, to do the right thing.

So, I lied to my son.

I told Hunter that our friend is going to be fine and that I believed that God had a bigger plan than we could understand.

All he wanted to know is if God was so great why did so many good people hurt so bad. Nothing I said was going to answer that question with any kind of guaranteed accuracy, so I did the best I could and tried to explain to Hunter that we were all just tiny pieces of God's plan.

As an adult, it's not always easy to trust in God's plan. I'm glad Hunter reminded me by making me take a look at it again.

I think Hunter just had a painful lesson on how we can love someone, but not always like them. He may not like God today, but he said his prayers, including a few words for our friend. I'm glad for that. I can take his anger and hurt a lot better than I could take the absence of hope.

2 comments:

  1. Kathy, thank you for sharing something so personal.

    As a child, I've felt that way. Even now, I have times where I feel that way. I think you handled it well and that Hunter felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it. I would have never said anything like that to anyone as a kid, so I suffered with being lost a lot of the time.

    Keeping both of you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers.

    Love,
    Melissa

  1. Thanks Melissa.As just about every parent does, I often feel as if I'm failing him in some way. I like the fact that even though I'm never going to be a perfect mom, I'm one that he can talk to about anything. I only hope I give him the right answers when he does.

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